<------ You're Going Down Volk!!!
By on May 20, 2010

If you have come here from Affbuzz.com then you know what I’m talking about. If not, please go to Affbuzz.com and see what this world has come to.

For those of you who don’t know, Jonathan Volk and I have a history that goes waaaaay back. I’m not going to go into any details, but let’s just say, we would never trade Farmville secrets or poke each other on Facebook.

As you can see, the featured space on Affbuzz has been split in two. Frankly, I’m not impressed. I’m disgusted. It is extremely likely that Volk and his crew tampered with the Affbuzz algorithm, mixed in with black hat SE0s, and ninja optimization in order to get in the featured spot.

We all know the Affbuzz algorithm is more complicated than Google and HTML  combined. So how did Volk manipulate it? Well one of my investigators sent me something very interesting…

Feast your eyes on this photo that was captured by a hidden security camera at the inaugural Affbuzz.com meet-up in San Francisco:

volk caught

Left to right of photo: Affbuzz owner, Jacob (Volk crew), Mr Volk, Mrs Volk.

As you can see, Volk is using an iRead. For those of you who aren’t up-to-date with technology these days, it’s basically a knowledge extracting tool hidden in the shape of a iPhone. You just point it at someone’s brain and it downloads their knowledge. Look where Volk is pointing his iRead…it’s not at JB the owner of Affbuzz.com is it now???

Volk is no stranger to the iRead. The biggest brain of them all (Google) tells me Volk has optimized 272,000 pages talking about “iRead”. Seems like he’s been using it an awful lot lately.

Volk iRead

Yes Volk, “Something Fishy is Goin’ On”.

Anyways not to worry. I’m actually in the middle of developing anti-iRead head gear to protect knowledge extraction from people like Volk. They will come with adjustable straps and a choice of two colors.

iRead

You have been officially busted Volk! Your reign of terror is over. I’m sure Affbuzz will do the right thing and sandbox you for life.

Comments (29)

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  1. lol – Thanks for the laugh :)

  2. Shaniqua says:

    I can't get enough of this blog. Hey Lorenzo, when you guys battle it out are you gonna do the Haka?

  3. Ryan says:

    Often times when I read your posts I'm thinking "What kind of drugs is he on"? Thanks for the morning laugh. Yours is one of the blogs that I really can't wait to read when a new post comes in.

  4. Affbuzz says:

    You know now that I think about it, it was around that time that I got an intense headache. The creepiest thing is that when Volk would talk to me he kept gently rubbing my biceps and staring deep into my big brown eyes. :/

  5. Josh Todd says:

    Epic. Let the games begin!

  6. Haha that was hilarious seeing that on the affbuzz site. What does it cost you to get listed up there or does the owner just hook you up if he likes your content?

    • Lorenzo Green says:

      Mostly Se0 optimization. I guess some of the time you might get good rankings if he likes the content.

  7. Matt L says:

    The iread uses possibly even more complex algorithms like se1 or even se2. I've never been able to prove this, but have a feeling Jonathan made that so as well.

  8. Haha! Oh my friend… how the truth will come out soon. ;)

  9. Mr Green: « Adjoozey Network says:

    [...] waaaaay back. I’m not going to go into any details but let’s [...] View full post on Affbuzz RSS Feed [...]

  10. semseo says:

    ^^that

    one of the funniest articles ever!

    I read lulz!

    nice spy-cam photoshop skills!

  11. Jibbioe says:

    Oh my he to the haw ! I just pooped! Do you need a army ?

    Time 2 clean

  12. browie says:

    Great stuff.

    I actually did come here from Affbuzz as I typically do. I started laughing when I saw the title.

  13. Jon says:

    Hey Lorenzo, I've beat Volk for ranking on his name before on the serps… You don't need an army of helpers, just a few links here and there and POOF, you'll rank for his name. Easy shmeasy.

  14. [...] morning Mr.Green made a post exposing me and my controversial methods to get to the top of [...]

  15. Ben says:

    LOL thanks for letting me know about the iRead. Imagine what would happen if ALL of POF's secrets were leaked.

  16. andrew wee says:

    Hey mate,

    Is yr next post going to be about how you made that b/w photoshopped shot?

    That would be so cool for PPV.

    -

    But about the pic, I liked that Mrs Volk was in it. But who're the other guys?

  17. Josh says:

    Don't u guys have jobs and work n stuff to do? :)

  18. d3so says:

    haha, at first I thought you were being serious. Very entertaining. Nice photoshop skills.

    • Taylor says:

      I thought their friendship went down the tubes for some reason then realized it was for laughs which of course we all need from time to time in this big serious world.
      "Money costs too much."

  19. [...] week in review, my arch nemesis, Mr. Green, takes the cake for awesome [...]

  20. [...] week in review, my arch nemesis, Mr. Green, takes the cake for awesome [...]

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