Why Some Affiliates ALWAYS Fail
By on Jul 14, 2011

Mr Green: I am running out of ways to introduce this guy. He’s happy, he’s blushin’, he’s the Angry Russian. Have you received the fur hat I sent in the mail yet?

Angry Russian: No, and if it does come I will never wear it.

Mr Green: Well you’re no fun.

Angry Russian: Life isn’t fun, get over it. Right, back on topic…

affiliate failures

There are many reasons why affiliates have a hard time breaking through including network scrubbing, offer down time, campaign theft, traffic source changes, etc.

However there are 5 types of affiliates guaranteed to fail.

In fact I’ll go as far as saying that if you spend more than 20% of your time with people in this group you’ll fail too.

1. “The Bull Shitter”

bullshitter affiliate I’m sure you know this guy. He’s probably on your SKYPE/AIM list right now and an IM from him is basically like throwing 30 minutes of your life away. You can also find him trolling forums in Shooting the Shit sections.

These people just love to talk shop. Whether they do the things they talk about is another totally different story. You can usually spot these people when they ask open ended questions about traffic, offers, industry that don’t affect their business in any way. Avoid these people like the plague. They’ll grill you for hours and then won’t do anything with what you talk to them about.

2. “The Crow”

crow Also known as the “shiny object syndrome guy”. These affiliates jump at every new strategy, traffic and offer that comes out.

They get super pumped up and before they even launch a test they jump on the next HOT offer that’s killing it, making millionaire ballers out of everyone who comes within a 2 foot pole of it. News flash! By the time someone tells you something is killing it, it’s already too late! Stick to one thing. Focus, then make it work. Make sure you don’t get distracted by these people. They love to get others on the bandwagon to failure.

3. “The Perfectionist”

perfectionist Have you ever spent more than 5 hours on a landing page? If so you are wasting your time and might be one of them.

These affiliates spend way too much time on things that really don’t matter. Do you really think getting the CSS “just” right or finding the perfect shade of red will really make or break your campaign? It’s a numbers games folks. Launch, launch, and launch some more. If you spend all your time setting EVERYTHING up then launching 1 campaign every 2 weeks, you’ll never make it. Start collecting data NOW. You can always make the tweaks to design and other nonsense later.

4. “The eBooker”


Similar to the crow but 10 times worse because they actually waste their money on shitty affiliate products and tools.

Let me elaborate: I have nothing against paying for tools, after all I pay for CPVLabs, my IP proxies, and a few forums and am damn proud of it. But the difference is I know these things are tools and not a 1-stop solution to my business. The eBooker thinks he can buy his way to success so he keeps wasting money on EVERY product and service that hits his inbox regardless of whether he has any use for it. If you’ve spend more than $500 on affiliate products, you’re a damn fool. You would have gotten much more out of your money if you actually spent it on traffic!

5. “The Networker”

networker You can usually spot this guy by how many names he drops when you first meet him, especially when the names they drop are the super blogger names and not the real names.

Note: If anyone tells you they know the Angry Russian… they don’t know me. Walk far away. I mentioned in a previous post the importance of meeting people in the industry, but don’t let this turn into your business. Your business is to make money and meet people because you either want to work with them, or just like their company, not because you think dropping their name will open some magical doors to riches.


The most insidious thing about the deadly 5 affiliates listed above is we ALL, yes including the great Angry Russian, at some point or another turn into one of them.

Mr Green: I would spot you for a part-time Crow, I am right or am I right?

Angry Russian: I’m going to be your full-time nightmare if you keep interrupting my post.

Mr Green:

Angry Russian: The key is to catch yourself and others before you’re sucked into its whirlwind and left broke and tempted to look for a job…

Try being one of the following affiliates instead:

  • “The Doer” – This guy doesn’t have time to talk because he’s getting shit done that makes him money.
  • “The Optimist” – So what that you cant find something profitable? You keep testing because you know there are assholes out there making bank, why shouldn’t it be you?
  • “The Baller” – Stop treating yourself as a shitty affiliate and start acting like you have a real business. Watch how much more people are willing to work with you.
  • “The Mr Green” – This is just a level that can’t even be put into words. Its like the Buddha when he first discovers that everything is interconnected.

Mr Green: Shucks! I knew you had some warmth in your stone cold heart.

Angry Russian: …my pinky finger is hovering over the delete button.


Comments (35)

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  1. DinoVedo says:

    LOL… ok enough reading… time to get to mr green status…

  2. Lachlan says:

    re: "Note: If anyone tells you they know the Angry Russian… they don’t know me and walk far away."

    I was describing you as "the angry russian" just the other day!

  3. DarkLink says:

    Great post! But I guess I am “The Perfectionist” :(. Need more trying…. thanks
    I want some pictures on good types of affiliates too. And where is "angry russian" type?

    p.s Sorry for mistakes I also kinda russian, to be correctly ukrainian)

    • The Angry Russian says:

      The Angry Russian type is not listed because most people cannot handle it. Becoming that mad may lead to migranes and in rare cases loss of hair.

  4. Your_Pal says:

    "Let me elaborate, I have nothing against paying for tools, after all I pay for CPVLabs, my IP proxies, and a few forums and damn proud of it."

    and what are these forum names MR. Green. Kindly share πŸ™‚

  5. Geez you just stole the first 100 pages of my auto-biography.

  6. Alan says:

    Lol I highly doubt you pay for STM forum membership once you "merged" with them. I'd be willing to bet you get in for free. Don't lie.

    I'm sure being a "super affiliate" has its perks…

  7. Phil_B says:

    Mr Green and the Angry Russian – affiliate marketing's first comedy double act?

  8. Howz dues u get to Mister Green Sir status? Plz share…

  9. d3so says:

    I would describe myself as a crow, always on the hottest thing. It’s hard not to do when offers die, networks scrub, and you’re left with frustration. The obvious thing to do is run something that works/converts.
    On the plus side, I would describe myself as an optimist. There are assholes out there that don’t deserve to make bank and I do! πŸ˜‰

  10. Patrick says:

    Ha… I think I went through stages of each of those… and then when I realized they weren't making me any money I just got to work. Now I make nice $, but spent too much time pretending I made nice $, so gotta pay off some debts.

    I gotta say though, there's a lot of bad information traps out there. ie. Warrior Forum, Digital Point, etc… that suck newbies in, sell em the dream, and steal their cash. Finding the right information sources helps a lot. WickedFire actually helped me get on the right path (after a few dick rolls of course).

  11. Very good point about "the baller" in that if you start believing you are worth something, others will too. I believe there's a connection between treating yourself as though your're the best and then actually becoming the best.

    Keep that positive go-getter mentality.

    • You even start to think that other people look at you differently when you act that way. I remember when I first started making real money, going out to the grocery store and walking around thinking to myself that I am king shit. I kept thinking when I passed anyone, I was say, yeah I made over $1,000 already today and I am making money while walking around here. What now? The attitude really makes you.

  12. Kang says:

    After the Barman vs Shoemoney fight, I’d LOVE to see a Angry Russian vs Mr Green.

    Question: Did you draw those avatars yourself?

    • The Angry Russian says:

      Why would I fight Mr Green?

      There may be some footage of a bboy battle I had with Feldo at At:Dech SF at the 202 party a few years back… good times before bloosky ruined it.

  13. "Very good point about "the baller""

    Yep I agree. I think that with the general ageing of the affiliate community we will start to see more of a professional culture develop – which in my opinion is a good thing.

  14. Bogati says:

    Great listings ….. Thanks for sharing

  15. sharonhod says:

    Lately, something stinks in this blog.
    Some of the last posts are like kids sitting on a fence and laughing at the looser of the class.
    You keep saying who's a great affiliate, and who's not. And the same guys make the same comments like they are the VIPs of the industry laughing along with you.
    I think you all lost the direction in this blog, which used to be an authority in this business.
    It's time to rethink your way here.

  16. great posting, I like affiliate amazon or ebay

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